Fucking love.
Bold title I know. But you know what? I'm going to get straight into it.
I wrote this a while ago after having an outburst of rage. But Molly spoke to me today, about how no one ever really wants to be alone or away from who they love regardless of what they are doing and it reminded me of this and gave me the guts to re -post it.
I have read a lot of philosophy recently about love. Some beautiful, and some make me just plain right angry.
I've been wanting to explore why it makes me so angry. Is it because I agree with it but was in denial? Or is it just because it's a fucking pile of crap.
(I like the fact I typed fucking and then went with crap)
The other day, I read an article, which I included in my personal statement about loving out of fear.
I loved it and hated it.
The quote is "The desire to control things and manipulate them to satisfy our ideal outcome does not come from love. It comes from the fear of letting go, the fear that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want them to" - Michelle D'Avella.
I spent the next few days asking myself if i was loving out of fear?
And i thought fuck, yeah I totally am.
I'm scared of James going somewhere, doing new things, meeting new people. I love out of fear.
When I talk about my relationship with Joe, I often say how we were together for 3 years and I didn't go to uni because he was coming home, and then we ended up being only friends anyway so I regret not going, all to kind of tell myself you shouldn't just live your life for love.
And I am now here to tell myself - Fuck off Sophie. If you wanted to go, you would have.
And Joe would have come with you and the co-dependency would remain.
I could argue that I didn't have the chance to grow, and I might be right. But you know what, all these people who love to "grow" as a person, are they happy? Are they lonely? Do they crave love when everything they strive for is just man made?
I spent an entire week convincing myself I was a fucking idiot. I questioned everything I ever thought about love. Was I now beginning to "grow"? Have I been a terrible person being sad that James went to uni and not rejoicing in it?
Well you know what. Fucking no I am fucking not.
If you are happy, you are fucking ALLOWED to be scared things arent going to turn out the way you want, you are ALLOWED to not want or like change, and you are allowed to not want to let go.
Thats what fucking love is. To me anyway. And you know what I think?
The people who say "You love out of fear" are the ones in fear themselves. Fear to love wholeheartedly until it consumes you. Let someone else actually have the power to complete you. I mean, if you didn't have fear of that then why wouldn't you let yourself be co-dependent in a relationship?
Love is the very core of our being. Money brings you nice things and makes life easier, Hobby's make you happy and make you "you". But love is core.
I told James 5 months ago I would run away with him and live on 19p noodles and cheap economy gin. And I fucking would have. I wouldn't have found out I loved writing straight away, and he wouldn't have studied art at uni, but does that matter?
I'm not saying these aren't important at all, but are they worth the sacrifice of something so great you wish it would never end? I would have still felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
In the grand scheme of things, what is the point of learning if you cant share, and share with someone you love.
I have spoken to some of the most career driven people I know, who have still come out with "I wish I loved someone so much i'd change my life for them".
People who claim careers are the most important are the ones in fear. People who say co-dependent relationships aren't healthy are in fear and people who think love isn't a priority are in denial.
In case James reads this, I am really not just referencing you, at all.
James claimed to me once that love wasn't a priority for him, yet everything he ever did was out of love, for anyone, and especially for me.
So you know what, fuck it.
If you are so fucking god-forsaken smitten with someone who you can't spend a moment without, fucking embrace it. If you want to speak to someone and text someone all the time because you want to share every moment with them, fucking do it. If you wake up and that one person next to you makes you smile and that one person helps you sleep at night, never sleep apart.
Because life is too fucking short.
It's too short to worry if we are healthy and unhealthy.
Think about the people who want to change and grow, do they ever end up truly happy anyway? We are so distracted by things that don't mean anything. We are so scared of "losing" that we wont lose ourselves in love.
If you are at your happiest doing everything and anything for the one you love, then fucking do it.
There is ALWAYS a chance the people we love with all our heart will leave in one way or another.
Because to put it bluntly guys, we all die.
We all fucking die.
But if you spend your time with someone you don't want to live without and that makes your heart swell everyday, you have fucking won.
I've been wanting to explore why it makes me so angry. Is it because I agree with it but was in denial? Or is it just because it's a fucking pile of crap.
(I like the fact I typed fucking and then went with crap)
The other day, I read an article, which I included in my personal statement about loving out of fear.
I loved it and hated it.
The quote is "The desire to control things and manipulate them to satisfy our ideal outcome does not come from love. It comes from the fear of letting go, the fear that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want them to" - Michelle D'Avella.
I spent the next few days asking myself if i was loving out of fear?
And i thought fuck, yeah I totally am.
I'm scared of James going somewhere, doing new things, meeting new people. I love out of fear.
When I talk about my relationship with Joe, I often say how we were together for 3 years and I didn't go to uni because he was coming home, and then we ended up being only friends anyway so I regret not going, all to kind of tell myself you shouldn't just live your life for love.
And I am now here to tell myself - Fuck off Sophie. If you wanted to go, you would have.
And Joe would have come with you and the co-dependency would remain.
I could argue that I didn't have the chance to grow, and I might be right. But you know what, all these people who love to "grow" as a person, are they happy? Are they lonely? Do they crave love when everything they strive for is just man made?
I spent an entire week convincing myself I was a fucking idiot. I questioned everything I ever thought about love. Was I now beginning to "grow"? Have I been a terrible person being sad that James went to uni and not rejoicing in it?
Well you know what. Fucking no I am fucking not.
If you are happy, you are fucking ALLOWED to be scared things arent going to turn out the way you want, you are ALLOWED to not want or like change, and you are allowed to not want to let go.
Thats what fucking love is. To me anyway. And you know what I think?
The people who say "You love out of fear" are the ones in fear themselves. Fear to love wholeheartedly until it consumes you. Let someone else actually have the power to complete you. I mean, if you didn't have fear of that then why wouldn't you let yourself be co-dependent in a relationship?
Love is the very core of our being. Money brings you nice things and makes life easier, Hobby's make you happy and make you "you". But love is core.
I told James 5 months ago I would run away with him and live on 19p noodles and cheap economy gin. And I fucking would have. I wouldn't have found out I loved writing straight away, and he wouldn't have studied art at uni, but does that matter?
I'm not saying these aren't important at all, but are they worth the sacrifice of something so great you wish it would never end? I would have still felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
In the grand scheme of things, what is the point of learning if you cant share, and share with someone you love.
I have spoken to some of the most career driven people I know, who have still come out with "I wish I loved someone so much i'd change my life for them".
People who claim careers are the most important are the ones in fear. People who say co-dependent relationships aren't healthy are in fear and people who think love isn't a priority are in denial.
In case James reads this, I am really not just referencing you, at all.
James claimed to me once that love wasn't a priority for him, yet everything he ever did was out of love, for anyone, and especially for me.
So you know what, fuck it.
If you are so fucking god-forsaken smitten with someone who you can't spend a moment without, fucking embrace it. If you want to speak to someone and text someone all the time because you want to share every moment with them, fucking do it. If you wake up and that one person next to you makes you smile and that one person helps you sleep at night, never sleep apart.
Because life is too fucking short.
It's too short to worry if we are healthy and unhealthy.
Think about the people who want to change and grow, do they ever end up truly happy anyway? We are so distracted by things that don't mean anything. We are so scared of "losing" that we wont lose ourselves in love.
If you are at your happiest doing everything and anything for the one you love, then fucking do it.
There is ALWAYS a chance the people we love with all our heart will leave in one way or another.
Because to put it bluntly guys, we all die.
We all fucking die.
But if you spend your time with someone you don't want to live without and that makes your heart swell everyday, you have fucking won.
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