My (kinda) first London meltdown.

Ive had a few "breakdowns", mini life crises, beginner life crises or whatever you want to call them in my short (ish) time on earth. And unfortunately for me, today was no different.
When I moved here, my heart was here, I was sure London had everything I wanted and needed and I was going to find what was right for me here.
But during a midnight meltdown, I had to ask myself some questions. Why am I in London? What am I doing here? What do I want from this city and this experience? Is this the right thing to be doing?

If you know me, you know i'm a full beach buddy. I love the sea, I love attempting to body board and I generally feel more peace knowing the coast isn't too far from me.

Before I moved to London, I wanted to move to the beach, settle down and start a life with James. I knew Cornwall was somewhere I could see myself staying for a long time and James and I had spoken about it all.
Things had changed when he moved to London and he wants to stay here indefinitely, which is cool, but it begs the question, is that what I want? Do I still want the little house beach life?

Every day for 2 weeks I woke up thinking I was by the seaside or dreaming about it, beachy items in shops would make me sad and I had a heart wrenching feeling every morning. It wore off and I told myself to commit to London. I am here now after all. But even though James's plans have changed for his life, I don't know if they've changed for mine.
I definitely needed to experience what London had to offer for me, but I knew I wouldn't stay here for several years. Wine is like 9439473 pounds. And that's for a sip.

So after no sleep and some mulled cider and wine, I set off for a massive London walk to get inspired. I already acknowledged that this is something I never would of done 3 months ago and for the first time I am proud of myself.
 I had a walk along the river and a sit down for a smoke when a gentleman approached me. He said "Can I ask you a question?" I said yeah sure, obvs, wondering what had make him have a double take at me and approach me. He asked me if I thought he was attractive. I objectively told him he had big blue eyes with yellow rings, a nice smile and he was friendly.  He hugged me and said thankyou and asked him why he wanted to know.
He said he was off to a party, and asked if was what he was wearing was okay. I told him casual is what you want mate. He then asked me if I had a boyfriend and looked disheartened when i replied yes. He told me he was going to ask me if I wanted a coffee. He saw my hair and just had to. (I guess my bright orange hair isn't that bad)
I said i could still drink coffee, after all, maybe this person had something to teach me I was yet to learn, that's pretty much all i'm told to do in London. Meet new people, learn new things.
He said to coffee was more for a date so he sat down and had a chat to me.
He told me he'd moved to London because he wanted to be an actor and asked me what my passion was. I said I didn't know and that's why I was here. Not necessarily in London but on the walk, to think about what I want.
It was weird timing. 

We spoke about science and psychology and he told me about how there are some things science cant explain. Like the soul. Or how we can say something and mean it one day but say something entirely the opposite the next and mean it all the same. We spoke about love and he told me how you don't know what you're feeling. He said, you never know the exact moment you fall in love do you? Its not like you're like, oh there it is. You realise you are, but that's not when it happens, that was interesting too. It was all something worth thinking about.
He asked me what I would do if I didn't need money. Now i don't necessarily believe in a specific higher power but COME ON. Did someone or something think, I know, that girl there is obviously having a mid life crisis, lets send her someone to talk to (or confuse me even more).
I didn't really know the answer to that question and I guess that's the answer i'm looking for.
All I know is working towards love and relationships. I don't know if that's just because i've never done anything else or if its really because that's what matters to me. Its something I need to find out.
He said I hope you find your passion and left.

After this, I had more things to think about. But maybe it aided it in some way. It seems silly to waste this opportunity in London but I need to get in a place where im appreciating it and not hankering for something else. Something else i've never even really had or can even have with James. Classic human behaviour.

After that, I continued on my walk with possibly more questions than I began with, and made it to Waterloo. I passed loads of Christmas stalls and hot stands when I inevitably arrived at Mcdonalds for their 99p tea. Essential.
On my way back, I had a walk along what I like to call "London beach".
There's a bit of sand and rock next to the Thames and it's the closest thing you've got here. But its my place to go to here when I feel sad.

I wondered where to go to from here. I seemingly had more questions about what I wanted and my life choices than when I began. But if there's one thing I know, and something my father has also recently said to me, I need to start living life more in the now and the rest will follow.

After writing and editing this post, I realised I said " I wouldn't stay here for several years" But how would I know? What if i do find out what i'm looking for in London?  What if I do find my passion?
I think its best to keep reminding myself of my dads advice.
I can always retire to the beach anyway.

Life's a funny thing,
isn't it.