Losing myself in London, in the losing your phone kind of way.

On the tube on the way to work today, I realised how much i almost didn't need my new phone. I mean sure, my old one broke and that's a pretty valid reason, but i branched out and got a contract. Purely because i can't afford a good pay as you go phone. My dad would say something along the lines of "Does it make calls? Does it text? Then its a good phone" and he would be right. But i was thinking to myself, what about all my apps, you know? What about Snapchat? Instagram? City Mapper? Twitter that i don't use?

I thought about how i spend more time thinking about how i have to take a picture of my drink to go on instagram, rather than what i'm actually drinking. I don't really use Snapchat, but imagine the amount of moments we don't actually experience because we have to put them on our "story". (Apart from Jakes, Jakes stories can stay) I'ts just fucking absurd. And whilst i do like city mapper, most of the time it sends me in the wrong direction and is a fucking moron. I've used the tube map for the past 2 months and got around fine... so whats the deal?

Then it's like ohhh i could have a kindle on there and a good camera for my blog. I like real books, i always have and i probably always will. The camera is a valid point but part of me wishes i could of just invested in a good camera. However, it allows me to share picture moments with my nearest and dearest far away and vice versa so i cant begrudge myself that.

My hair right now is some shitty dirty mousey blonde colour, and sorry to offend myself but it's basically my natural hair colour. Why? Because I've spent so much time looking at people I've almost convinced myself are better than me. Blonde hair, duck pouts and weird standing positions for photos are a few to name. My plan was to lighten up my hair to a big bright strawberry blonde and then i just had to master the art of resting bitch face. I wish all of this was taking the piss, but i know it's exactly what I've been moving toward. Surrounded by people with model legs, clothes i don't understand and ambition that can only give someone a heart attack in the long run, i started to levitate towards them to be "better".

I had a wonder around Selfridges today. Guys in suits, girls with more eyebrow than an old man and weird "i am better than you" air. I was bambling around in scruffy boots, jeans and a space invaders top.

I don't fit in anywhere and then i realised, i didn't fucking care.

I stopped and looked around me and saw all these women without a smile on their face and what seemed like some big competition of "who can look the richest". Well i look the happiest (And most comfortable) and that's what matters.

I've been thinking about how much we are swallowed up by what we are taught in the world and what we are exposed to. For this sake of this post not getting heavy on politics, money in exchange for silence, greed etc I will focus on something a bit more simple. Adverts, clever marketing campaigns, and selling mantras. It's no wonder we all forget to just stop a moment and remember what's actually important. Do you care if Jenny doesn't like your top? Are you upset because Fred thinks you don't work out enough? Do you think you are more of a girl if you look like you've sat on a hedgehog, don't know the real colour of your face, are wearing shoes that could break your neck, be used as a weapon and need 2936287 photos to prove it?

If the answer is yes, that's more to do with how you feel about yourself. Not that you aren't good enough.

I'm not going going to dye my hair blonde anymore. I'm going back to firey ginger because it's well good. I'm going to smile in as many photos as i can or pull weird faces because i'm down with that too. I'm proud of my space invaders top, the same shoes i wear everyday and the fact i don't really understand fashion. I don't want to look like a clone and i don't want to look like anyone else either.

London can take it's cobweb of consumerism, pressured social media platforms and weird things that make you considered to be "cool" and i'll just keep being me. Yolo.