Relationship 101 for the mental pt.1

I am not claiming to be an expert at relationships, if anything, I am far from it. Here are some of the things I've learnt in my current relationship.
A little back story here; My other half and myself have known each other for a very long time, friends for 9 years to be precise. We have been close on and off throughout these years and I have always thought he was a wonderful person. Relatively fresh into a relationship we had to up and move to an entirely new city and live together - Scary huh!? And this did not come without it's faults.
Getting to know a friend as a partner in a new surrounding is NO easy feat but here are some of the things I've learnt in the past year and a half.

A) Expectation leads to disappointment

I am no stranger for finding fault in relationships on the whole and I'm never that far away from feeling unhappy about something or other. Then not that long ago, I thought to myself, am I expecting just my boyfriend to make me happy?
You cant rely on someone to make you happy and if you expect them to make you happy, you will fault them whenever you aren't. 'You are responsible for your own happiness', a sentence that is forced down my throat again and again after reading "how to help depression" articles is something I've medium struggled with until now. If you want someone to buy you flowers, just go and buy them for yourself. If you wish your s/o would surprise you with a trip somewhere, book it yourself instead. Show yourself love and the rest will follow. I'm sure there's a few inspirational quotes I could put in here but that's my favourite and covers most bases. It's also a wise move to not expect your boyfriend to do the things YOU would do for him. For example, if you show him love by making him dinner, you might expect him to do the same to show him he loves you but he is not you. He will show love and other things in different ways, try and notice them. Being responsible for your own happiness leaves room for you to acknowledge your own feelings and process them accordingly, instead of just playing the blame game with your lover.

B)You get what you give
People respond the same way in which how you treat them. If you are happy to someone, they are happy back and vice versa, mostly. It's just science. Google it. You are literally in some mental cycle if someone is being critical or snappy and then you are critical or snappy back. Lame. One time I realised my boyfriend was being off with me because I was being off with him..... Because he was being off with me. Safe to say when the communication switch or a smile came on, all of a sudden my dearest wasn't in fight or flight mode and I got a smile back. Huzzah. It's a similar principle by being loving and affectionate. If you are mentally health challenged like the lucky couple we are, it's easier to be defensive and not say "I miss you" first or hug them first for fear of rejection, coming off needy or whatever else you can make up in your brain in your spare time. Be brave, it's cool to reach out.

C) If you see a problem, look to yourself
People spend so much time focusing on what their partner is doing wrong, they fail to look at what they are doing wrong or how they could be improving themselves and the relationship. Spend more time focusing on the positive than on the negative and be vocal about it. Things I thought I only thought about my boyfriend like how cute he looks when he is sleepy (Soz vom) have now started being revealed from him about me which is a lovely surprise. 

D) Talk less about your relationship to other people

I am probably the utmost worst for this. Fight happened? Boyfriends pissed you off? Do you want to storm out for the night and smoke 7 cigarettes? Talking about things can help your brain clear up the rage fog or confusion chaos in a big way but it goes along way to remember to choose carefully who you talk to. Talk to friends who understand you are upset and just need to vent, they will be the same friends who will be ecstatic when everything is hunky dory again which it inevitably will because the whole world can see you love each other.
I also try and make sure I'm this person to my friends too. Knowing a bit about the brain, we all know how hard it is to control your emotions so when your hypothalamus (Brain part responsible for hormones and animalistic urges) is acting up. You can be powerless to resist and its nice to be able to express how you're feeling also without offloading, such intense and what could be, misplaced emotion on your significant other. This makes it easier to then have the respectful rational conversation with your s/o. Shout out to our wonderful vent friends. 

D) Love them for who they are
Don't just love them for the best they are, but for the worst they are too. Sometimes when people are assholes, all they need is a hug. This has been a game changer in my current relationship and something I think I'm getting better at. If my boyfriend is getting snappy or what not, instead of flying off the handle like a kid on their first bicycle, I take a breath, go over and give him a cuddle. He will then do the same. Lovely.
Everyone has their own way of (not) dealing with things, outbursts and faults. I am no stranger to that. It's something worth remembering whilst you're waving the fault finger. Ha. Fault finger.

E) Finding out their love buttons is important
No I don't mean the genitals, I mean what makes them feel valued. Everyone has different means of feeling cared for. So my boyfriend could do the dishes for me and i'd be like, that's nice dear, but if I were to do them for him he would be ecstatic. He might feel dejected that I wasn't that happy about the dishes being clean because that's what would have made HIM feel loved. I touched on this in A. Y'all get me?
You gotta try and have a good conversation in different languages.

F) Security is da base
The more secure you feel, the more you can 'grow'. Individually and as a couple. I'm not gona go all Beyonce on your ass and say put a ring on it, but security is probably the most important thing to me upon reflection on my relationship. So many things can rock a relationship but the things that do are just a part of human nature. This isn't a free pass to fuck up or be a dick, but if their hearts are in the right place and you know that, then mistakes, lies, miss communication you can forgive and move on if you know baes are solid innit.

 G) Communication is so important I cant even.
It pains me to think how many times I've just assumed what my other half meant instead of just "making sure". AKA talking. And I'm sure it's happened with him too. Stop it. If you're fixating on something or it's upset you then ask for them to clarify it before smacking them with a newspaper.

H) Relationship ideals.

I could say look for the guy who will never hurt you, never let you down and always act how you would like but I may as well tell you to look for a daffodil with a duck beak.
If you put too much pressure on someone to be your ideal a) you will be disappointed- see point a again and b) you are asking something that you yourself couldn't be asked of either.
We forget other people are humans and assume that just everything is automatically "normal" when they have fused together in a relationship but the hardships will still show up and be alive and kicking.

Sometimes in the past during the very hard times, i have thought to myself that if things go shits up and we go our separate ways, I try and comfort myself by thinking "Oh there will be someone else who will be perfect at this and this".
So if perfect doesn't exist, what are you looking for?

I say go for the person that makes your heart race, that you miss when they aren't there, that make you angry sometimes and want to cry, that make you feel beautiful, that make you challenge yourself and go a little mental. That make you feel alive.