Depression session - I'm feeling very overwhelmed

It's been 2 weeks, into the new year full of hope and promise and i've gone and done the opposite what my very blog suggests I do, I've barely left my bed.

I felt guilty for a while, for atleast a week. Being in the new year full of new promise and all that crap, I felt bad for not taking up 272 hobbies, waking up to sunrises and siezing the day. Now i'm over it. If this is what I need then so be it.

I wanted my blog to be real. It was always a lifestyle blog but the more I wrote, the more I wanted it to be an accurate representation which includes the struggles, the lows as well as the highs.

Honestly, I am finding January to be down right miserable this year. I am soooo over the cold weather and the dark nights. I am missing my family and my old friends. I am finding that I don't have many new ones in London anymore and I'm tired of being constantly aroused by anxiety everytime I leave my front door. That shit is tiring. Sleep is either too exsistent or non exsistent which is neither a good place to be in, and I haven't fed myself properly since I was back in my home town.

James has been full busy for a week, with work, uni and essays, so much so that he's eaten kebabs instead of cooking and I have felt like a cat pawing at him for attention (which I get, in stolen minutes of spare time)

I am depressed.
I am caught between wanting to hang out with someone and wanting no one to bother me at all.
London is making me over think so many things that I can't control and I almost feel like I am going backwards.
I wish I was feeling balanced and like Beyonce so I could make James's week easier.

I think some of it is to do with the pill, that I went back on. I honestly havent felt so emotionally unstable in years and that's saying something. So I've been a few days off it now and hopefully will find some rebalance. And when James starts coming to bed again.

So with all this in mind, I decided to write some things I am looking forward to and hopefully some things that will break a cycle.


Sorting out my degree
Tomorrow, I get to talk to a welfare officer about where to go with my psychology degree from here and hopefully everything will be sorted for this coming semester so I can start ahead of it's beginning.

James's deadline FridayI get my boyfriend back and have been promised full undivided attention. I have textual, concrete evidence.

Museum of HappinessManaged to get tickets for myself and Jammy for the pop up Museum of Happiness this weekend which i'm really looking forward to. Colouring in, bouncy castles and silly faces, come at me!

Home town treat weekI get to see my nearest and dearest for a week in the countryside. James will have the car for some 'splorin and we're going to make brisket in his new smoker and drink wine. OMG and play with a litter of puppies!


I'm going to buy some nerf guns in the sale
Enough said.



For anyone who know's someone struggling with depression, be kind. It's okay to not understand, it's okay to feel frustrated, just be kind. Depression isn't just something "you can snap out of" and saying something like "It's just in your head" belittles the persons disorder or experience.  Alot of disorders or emotions are 'just in someone's head', like schizophrenia and even love. But would we expect the same from them?
Kindness and acceptance goes a long way.

For anyone else who is struggling with depression, or January 'blues', cuddles go out to you.
For me, writing down little goals and working towards them helps, as I have shown an example of here.

All goals are goals no matter how small and you are well within your right to go at your own pace, not that you need that validation.

Sometimes you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and all it's problems but it's easy to forget that they aren't and that sometimes you just have to take care of yourself.

Lots of love your way,
Soph
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